The Trainwreck that is Danger
Yesterday was a nightmare. By farthest the hardest day since I have went thru this whole ordeal. I cried so much last night my eyes were swollen shut when I woke up and I could barely open them. I went in the bathroom and squinted at myself in the mirror. I couldn't even recognize myself. My eyes were so swollen. I have never cried that much in my life.
My DH wanted to go to a friend's house last night and do some drinking and play some poker. I am not a big drinker, but I was like what the hey... get outta the house for a couple of hours.
Except this wasn't a couple of hours :
We go over at like almost 11pm, and Lesley has this awesome dinner prepared for everyone. I thought it was a bit late to be cooking, but they are all young (I think we were by far the oldest ones there) and she lives on a really weird schdule right now because of her job. So we ate. It was all wonderful.
We migrate downstairs after everything is put away and stuff, and they start playing poker and watching wrestling. I DO NOT, and don't think I ever will understand wrestling. Just a bunch of guys with mullets in jumpsuits faking everthing in some manly over coreographed testosterone blitz for an hour. Sounds like a blast. I am more of a realist I guess. If you want some fantasy, watch General Hospital, or Young and the Restless. At least they don't claim to be real and shout at each other for 5 minutes before the show starts.
Anyway, they don't smoke in the house, so everyone was taking shifts to go upstairs to smoke... and it made for a very very slow game of poker... eventually the girls kicked out and gave away their chips and then there weren't many people playing so they all just decided they would sit around and watch some Mullet Boys fling themselves into each other and break chairs over their heads.
Then that got boring. (Was it ever interesting??) and they shut it off
A Few Good Men was on the TV after they shut the DVD player off, and somehow I got sucked in. I can't believe I had never saw that movie... it musta been a third of the way into the movie when I started watching it, but I got sucked in and didn't realize I was the only one downstairs until it was so far into the movie that I didn't wanna shut it off. I can't believe how young Tom Cruise looks in that movie.
The movie ends, and I just kinda sat there. I didn't know if I wanted to just fall asleep (I was at my husband's mercy as to when we would be leaving) and I was tired and the sectional looked OH SO COMFY. So I lie there.
But then I wasn't tired.
Go figure.
I get up and go upstairs and I sit on the couch in the living room waiting for them to come back inside from smoking... but apparently it's good convo out there, and one of the girls who was still awake has taken a blanket out there and they are just hanging out and chatting out on the balcony. It was too cold to go outside for me... so I just sit there and wait.
And wait
and wait
Tried going to sleep up there, but it wasn't working. I kept thinking about a bunch of stuff, and my mind was too restless and it wouldn't stop churning.
I then realized it was after midnight (it was actually closer to 2:30 or 3am I think) and now it's officially "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day." I realized that I never even knew there was a Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day until I became one of the statistics to cause them to create such a day. And the only reason I know is because I had something horrible happen to me... and people told me about this day to try to help me cope or whatever. But it doesn't help you cope, it just helps you dwell on the fact that you lost a baby
A reason to dwell on the fact that something shitty happened to you. I can't believe people want that?!
I was now in a really somber mood, and almost in tears, but I refused to make a scene at someone else's house and ruin my husband's night out. He hardly ever gets a real night out where he can chill out for as long as he wants... and I didn't wanna cut him short.
They came in quite a bit later and I had just been dwelling on everything, and by now I had wiped several tears from my face as I as I sat there watching them be drunk idiots. I still wasn't saying anything. I just closed my eyes and let them think I was sleeping on the couch.
It's 5am and my DH finally decides it's time to go home and I have to drive cuz "Vodka Surprise" has turned my husband into a giddy idiot who is laughing at everything around him.
I cried all of the way home. The kind of tears that just roll down your face, but you aren't sobbing or anything. Just kind of silent tears. I tried so hard not to let my DH see me, but I know he did.
We get home, and it's time for bed, and I am laying down and it's not getting better. I didn't want to keep him up, so I go out in the living room with blanket and pillow in tow, and I sit on the couch and started sobbing. I put my pillow over my face it was so bad... I was trying so hard to be quiet so he didn't have to listen to me. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Like the kind of crying in the movies when something absolutely horrible has happened. The kind of crying I never thought was real until last night.
I'm not sad anymore for my loss though... I am downright angry.
I am so pissed that I will never know for sure WHY it happened. Why me?? Why my baby? The fact that I can't know is driving me up the wall. And the frustration just makes me more pissed off... and then I am so angry at myself for being angry that I start crying. I am a mess... but I don't know how else to describe it. And more importantly, I don't know how to fix it. I want it all to go away. I am really not this type of person. I keep telling my DH if I knew how to make it go away, I woulda done it weeks ago. But I don't know how. And even THAT is making me angry too.
I know Anger is part of the whole grieving process... but I hate being an angry person. I am one of those people who usually looks for the best of things... or is always calm cool and collected... and if I am pissed off about something.. I usually say my peace and be done with it... and most times, when I have said whatever I needed to, it's without malice, and stating the facts about why whoever fucked up is a moron and how they need to fix it. I hardly ever yell... but right now I just wanna scream.
I want someone to blame.
And I will never have that. And THAT makes me angry.
I woke up this morning and felt like a train ran over my face. I put ice on my eyes, but even right now they are still a bit swollen.
I told a friend on IM today... she asked me how my night out was (she was talking to me as I was getting ready last night) and I told her it was a nightmare, and the night turned into a big mess. I said the only thing good about last night was that it pretty much guaranteed that today HAD to be better..... because I really don't think it coulda got worse. Today is about over for me, and I was right. It was better. Hopefully it will continue to do so.
My DH wanted to go to a friend's house last night and do some drinking and play some poker. I am not a big drinker, but I was like what the hey... get outta the house for a couple of hours.
Except this wasn't a couple of hours :
We go over at like almost 11pm, and Lesley has this awesome dinner prepared for everyone. I thought it was a bit late to be cooking, but they are all young (I think we were by far the oldest ones there) and she lives on a really weird schdule right now because of her job. So we ate. It was all wonderful.
We migrate downstairs after everything is put away and stuff, and they start playing poker and watching wrestling. I DO NOT, and don't think I ever will understand wrestling. Just a bunch of guys with mullets in jumpsuits faking everthing in some manly over coreographed testosterone blitz for an hour. Sounds like a blast. I am more of a realist I guess. If you want some fantasy, watch General Hospital, or Young and the Restless. At least they don't claim to be real and shout at each other for 5 minutes before the show starts.
Anyway, they don't smoke in the house, so everyone was taking shifts to go upstairs to smoke... and it made for a very very slow game of poker... eventually the girls kicked out and gave away their chips and then there weren't many people playing so they all just decided they would sit around and watch some Mullet Boys fling themselves into each other and break chairs over their heads.
Then that got boring. (Was it ever interesting??) and they shut it off
A Few Good Men was on the TV after they shut the DVD player off, and somehow I got sucked in. I can't believe I had never saw that movie... it musta been a third of the way into the movie when I started watching it, but I got sucked in and didn't realize I was the only one downstairs until it was so far into the movie that I didn't wanna shut it off. I can't believe how young Tom Cruise looks in that movie.
The movie ends, and I just kinda sat there. I didn't know if I wanted to just fall asleep (I was at my husband's mercy as to when we would be leaving) and I was tired and the sectional looked OH SO COMFY. So I lie there.
But then I wasn't tired.
Go figure.
I get up and go upstairs and I sit on the couch in the living room waiting for them to come back inside from smoking... but apparently it's good convo out there, and one of the girls who was still awake has taken a blanket out there and they are just hanging out and chatting out on the balcony. It was too cold to go outside for me... so I just sit there and wait.
And wait
and wait
Tried going to sleep up there, but it wasn't working. I kept thinking about a bunch of stuff, and my mind was too restless and it wouldn't stop churning.
I then realized it was after midnight (it was actually closer to 2:30 or 3am I think) and now it's officially "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day." I realized that I never even knew there was a Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day until I became one of the statistics to cause them to create such a day. And the only reason I know is because I had something horrible happen to me... and people told me about this day to try to help me cope or whatever. But it doesn't help you cope, it just helps you dwell on the fact that you lost a baby
A reason to dwell on the fact that something shitty happened to you. I can't believe people want that?!
I was now in a really somber mood, and almost in tears, but I refused to make a scene at someone else's house and ruin my husband's night out. He hardly ever gets a real night out where he can chill out for as long as he wants... and I didn't wanna cut him short.
They came in quite a bit later and I had just been dwelling on everything, and by now I had wiped several tears from my face as I as I sat there watching them be drunk idiots. I still wasn't saying anything. I just closed my eyes and let them think I was sleeping on the couch.
It's 5am and my DH finally decides it's time to go home and I have to drive cuz "Vodka Surprise" has turned my husband into a giddy idiot who is laughing at everything around him.
I cried all of the way home. The kind of tears that just roll down your face, but you aren't sobbing or anything. Just kind of silent tears. I tried so hard not to let my DH see me, but I know he did.
We get home, and it's time for bed, and I am laying down and it's not getting better. I didn't want to keep him up, so I go out in the living room with blanket and pillow in tow, and I sit on the couch and started sobbing. I put my pillow over my face it was so bad... I was trying so hard to be quiet so he didn't have to listen to me. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Like the kind of crying in the movies when something absolutely horrible has happened. The kind of crying I never thought was real until last night.
I'm not sad anymore for my loss though... I am downright angry.
I am so pissed that I will never know for sure WHY it happened. Why me?? Why my baby? The fact that I can't know is driving me up the wall. And the frustration just makes me more pissed off... and then I am so angry at myself for being angry that I start crying. I am a mess... but I don't know how else to describe it. And more importantly, I don't know how to fix it. I want it all to go away. I am really not this type of person. I keep telling my DH if I knew how to make it go away, I woulda done it weeks ago. But I don't know how. And even THAT is making me angry too.
I know Anger is part of the whole grieving process... but I hate being an angry person. I am one of those people who usually looks for the best of things... or is always calm cool and collected... and if I am pissed off about something.. I usually say my peace and be done with it... and most times, when I have said whatever I needed to, it's without malice, and stating the facts about why whoever fucked up is a moron and how they need to fix it. I hardly ever yell... but right now I just wanna scream.
I want someone to blame.
And I will never have that. And THAT makes me angry.
I woke up this morning and felt like a train ran over my face. I put ice on my eyes, but even right now they are still a bit swollen.
I told a friend on IM today... she asked me how my night out was (she was talking to me as I was getting ready last night) and I told her it was a nightmare, and the night turned into a big mess. I said the only thing good about last night was that it pretty much guaranteed that today HAD to be better..... because I really don't think it coulda got worse. Today is about over for me, and I was right. It was better. Hopefully it will continue to do so.
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