Dear Mister Porn Spammer

I just wanted to tell you how much you brightened my day when you spammed my tagboard with a link to a site with such vibrantly colored, and detailed pics. Pics I would be oh-so-proud to show my 5 year old. It was so wonderful to get a message from one of my friends that said she could no longer use her name on my tagboard, because I had banned it. Why did I ban it? because you borrowed her IP and I didn't know about it. That was sure sweet of you, I hope you don't mind, but I don't think she wants it back now that you had it for the day. Please don't be offended.

After you borrowed her IP I starting thinking that you might get tired of hers, and want some new numbers to look at. So I called my ISP to help you out, and see if you could have my old one. I patiently waited online while they kept me on hold for 20 mins. They were probably talking to other people you shared IPs from... trying to get them to understand something that I already did. You didn't mean to make someone cry because all of the sudden all of their friends and family had their IP blocked. Their family is probably stuck up and doesn't like super special visitors anyway, and their family is probably graphically challenged as well, and doesn't allow any pictures whatsoever on their PCs. They live sheltered lives.

After my tech had me reset my modem, so I could give you my IP (shhh, it was supposed to be a super special present. I was gonna tell you at Christmas)... he decided that my modem needed to be traded in for a different one. For some reason my modem had grown attached to my IP addy, and it was really upset I wanted to give it away.

So, with modem packed up, I drive all of the way across town to the cable company. I would like to thank you for the trip. Even though I get motion sickness, and have small children who cry during long car rides, I always love to go on them... and I really didn't need that quarter tank of gas anyway. I always try to make a habit of wasting gas for no reason... especially when it's almost $2.50 a gallon.

I get there and leave my daughter with her daddy to play "race car" in the front seat while I go in to speak with the tech and get my new modem. You know how kids are... they looooove to be in cars for long, extended periods of time. Almost as much as they like tearing up lobbies at places like the Cable Company. But I digress.

I know it wasn't your fault that the lady at the desk didn't know anything about Static IPs, but she was ever so helpful by calling a tech up to talk to me in person about them. I know you would have been proud of her. She pointed to the seats across the room, and told me the tech would come and help me as soon as he could.

The seats were pleasantly as hard as tree stumps, but it didn't matter to me. I waited patiently for my personal techie to come help me. I didn't even care that my back started to hurt from sitting there, because I was there for almost an hour. I knew it would be worth the wait. After all, I really really wanted to give you my IP address so you didn't have to feel so guilty about borrowing it.

My techie came out and chatted with me for a brief minute about static IPs, and then he sent me on my way. My daughter was so excited to see me. Almost as much as I was her... after all I swear she grew 3 inches while I was in the cable company. But I know it wasn't your fault I had to wait so long. I know if you were there, you would have helped me right away. Because we all know how much you are into helping people. We can all see it with the trail of bliss you leave behind after every trip you make thru Cyberspace.

I know you didn't have anything to do with the accident we were almost in on the way home either. It's a great thing my DH has lightning quick senses, especially to drive on a highway he never drives. And I am sure you would be happy to know there wasn't a car beside us when we had to swerve into the other lane to avoid hitting the car in front of us. But I am getting off track. I really meant to be writing thanks to you... not talking about my near death experience.

When I got home I rushed to my PC to install my new modem. I just couldn't wait to get back online so I could let you know that you were more than welcome to have my old IP addy now. I didn't need it anymore. I am sure you are so saddened that it took me over 2 hours to install the thing, and even with tech support over the phone the darn thing didn't wanna connect. I am sure you were waiting at my website, excited to share more pics with me. I am sorry I couldn't make it. It really wasn't my fault. I hope you aren't too disappointed. I am sure you probably waited with all of my other friends online, who all needed to get ahold of me as well, but didn't know where I was.

My amazing husband hung up after almost an hour on the phone with the tech people, and amazingly he got it to work. I went to my site to find you, but forgot I removed the tagboard so you might not know how to reach me now.

Anyway, it's late, and I should go. I have to go lay in a nice comfy waterbed with my loving husband. I hope you can sleep as well as I do knowing that every single day....

YOU RUIN PEOPLE'S FUCKING LIVES, YOU LOW LIFE SCUM SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT JACKASS!!! I HOPE SOMEONE LOCKS YOU IN A CLOSET AND LETS YOU ROT THERE. FOREVER!!! GO TO FUCKING HELL!!! FUCKING LOSER PIECE OF SHIT ASS WIPE!!!!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

I feel better