I thought it was over

But it wasn't. I started to hemorrhage this morning at 4am, and was transferred to the ER by ambulance for emergency surgery. I thought I was gonna die. I lost so much blood they almost gave me a blood transfusion. I feel incredibly overwhelmed with emotions. Not only am I grieving for the loss of a baby I never got to kiss, but I feel so selfish for jeopardizing my life and the wellbeing of my children's. They could have very easily not had a mommy today. They are too young not to have a mommy. That breaks my heart just thinking about it.I just want to hold them so close and tell them I love them... but I hurt too bad.

I can't stop crying and my husband thinks I am gonna make myself sicker because I can't contain myself most times. Now I am so weak, it hurts too much to cry. I guess we just take it one day at a time. Please Please Please don't email me well wishes. I know you all mean well and I appreciate your thoughts, but it's so hard to read them right now, and they are all just too much of a painful reminder of what I no longer have. I am blessed with four wonderful and healthy children, but it doesn't make this loss hurt any less. My heart is broken, and my spirit is shattered. Picking up the pieces will take a long time.

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts.


PS I did take the advice of several people and I have copied my last entry and made it more letter-like, and I will be delivering them to 7 different departments at the hospital tomorrow. The injustice of being treated less than I deserved really needs to be brought to the light of management and people who can make a difference.