Hell Done Froze Over

And I mean like with glaciers the size of Earth.

So, school starts tomorrow for the kids... my neice included. My sister is a crackwhore, and she doesn't ever get my neice any nice clothes for school. Just stuff from Goodwill or the Salvation Army and crap people give her as hand me downs. Since she started school I have scrounged around and went without if I had to to get at least one nice outfit for her. Every year, Auntie Danger comes the day before school bearing embroidered jeans (she likes those the best) and some kind of shirts and stuff....

This year I call to ask my sister what sizes my neice wears. My sister of course doesn't know. I ask her to at least go see what size panties she wears, cuz I would like to get her new socks and underwear while I am out and about (my neice also has the pleasure of wearing hand me down underwear--ICK-- and usually they are holy and 2 sizes too big. The only reason I know this, is when my kids go over there for visitation with their dad, somehow they come home in these horrible disgusting underwear that are so big they barely stay on. They always go in the trash). She goes into my neice's drawer while she is on the phone with me. "Size 10," she says. I about died. TEN could fit two of Reagan in them... and they are only 3 mos apart. I asked her to make sure and look at another pair. "Oh, these are size 2," she replies. TWO? How could the girl be wearing size 2 and 10 at the same time? You know why? Cuz my sister is a crackwhore.

Anyway, I show up after I am all shopped out. I bring a pair of really cute Hello Kitty jeans with little ice cream sodas and sundaes embroidered in bright pink all over them. Matching pink shirt, and then socks and undies. I threw in a set of color changing markers too. Just cuz I could, and I wanted her to get something fun. I remember when I was a kid and I got clothes for presents. I always hated it wasn't something that was fun or that I could play with. All wrapped up in a pretty pink bag and ready to go. The door opens.

Rion is there. Rion. The man who only goes over there when the kids are there. He's there... with no kids to be seen (not even my sister's) and they are watching Family Guy. Alone, with no kids. Odd, I thought, but whatever.

My sister calls up to her neighbor's house, and gets my neice downstairs so she can open up her school goodies. In she comes, wearing a tanktop dress that was draping on her, and a sweater over the top of it... jeez, I would never let my kid leave the house dressed like that. But whatever.

She totally digs her clothes... and she wants to wear them to school on the first day (which I was so excited about)... and then she is off to play with her markers.

AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.

I didn't know if I should leave, or stay. I was kinda frozen with the uneasy feeling like I was stuck. So we sat and talked. My sister, Rion, and I... all in the same room... talking like we were friends or something. It was all so surreal. Almost fake. No, it WAS fake. Like it was all playdoh, and if I wanted to I coulda smooshed their faces in, but it was weird because I really didn't want to.

So I am there for like over an hour. The room is smoky (I swear my sister is a chain smoker. No wonder my poor neice gets sick all of the time), I knew my DH was gonna be upset with me if I stayed too long cuz he had to work... and I really didn't want to be there anymore. I was just waiting for my exit cue.... and it never came. WHY????????????????? Finally, Rion mentions that he is gonna go upstairs to work on another apartment, and I decide since the door is opening, I am going out it too... come hell of high water. I needed to talk to him about some stuff anyway.

We start walking down the outside hallway thing, and I mention to him that I really would appreciate it if he didn't divulge so much of his financial situation to the kids. They are constantly coming home trying to scrounge up change so they can give it to their dad cuz he has no money... and tonight Reagan comes home and says, "Daddy is poor. And we are a poor family. He has 29 cents for the rest of the week and all he has to eat is mac n cheese." Now why he thought he needed to share that is beyond me. I just don't want my daughter to carry the burden around of thinking she needs to help her daddy... cuz he's poor.

So this winds to that, and this, and another thing.. and we end up talking about his new girlfriend, and how he really wants me to meet her. I really don't have a lot of respect for her because she doesn't have her daughter living with her... her daughter lives with her mom... why you ask?? Because she didn't wanna grow up when she had her, and she wanted to keep partying and having a good ol time. I don't have a lot of respect for people who can't suck it up and deal with the situations they created. But whatever. He says she is trying to change, and she IS changing, and she is in the process of having her daughter move back in with her. "She just made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes." I hear that almost everytime we talk about her. *I* Have never made a mistake that cost me precious time with my kids... and I sure as hell didn't willingly let someone else raise my kid because I was too hopped up on drugs to grow up and realize I was fucking my life up.

After I said that I had doubts about her, and paraphrased what I just wrote above.... we started talking about the time when he left us. And I told him that I have never been thru hell like I had when he left... and never ever ONCE did I think that maybe it would be better if I didn't raise my kids and let someone else do it for me. NEVER. And I talked about what hell we had went thru. I don't think he actually knew.

• We had no car... I had to push the kids thru blazing heat for groceries, thru ice and snow to go to school... and anywhere else we had to go. All in a double stroller. All by myself. Three kids.
• I had no electricity when he moved out cuz he took all of the money and the bill was past due. So I had to find money to get it turned back on 3 days after he moved out. That was a wonderful surprise.
• My phone was shut off for lack of payment. All stuff he said was taken care of... but wasn't

And the list goes on. As I mention these things I can see the color draining from his face. He knew it was his fault that it all happened. And then the unthinkable happens.

HE APOLOGIZED TO ME!!!

I mean like a heartfelt apology from the bottom of his heart and everything. "I am so sorry for everything you had to go thru because of me. I am sorry you had to deal with all of that because you didn't deserve it and I feel really bad that it happened that way." I interrupted him to tell him I didn't mention all of those things to make him to feel guilty. I mentioned them so he could be aware of how desperate I actually was... and never once did I think about pawning my kids off. He said he knew, but he really felt like it needed to be said, and that I deserved an apology. I couldn't believe it. I really didn't know what to say. Not in a million years did I ever think he would ever apologize to me about that. I thought Hell would freeze over first.

And whatever came over me, I will never know. Because then... I felt like we were friends again. And what do I do? I freaking spill my guts about everything. The baby, the miscarriage, everything. After I got home I felt like a blithering idiot. But I guess it's said and done with, and no going back now. I just hope he keeps his word and he doesn't say anything to Marisa.

She came out and ruined the moment. Not that there was a real "moment." But it was nice to feel like we were friends again. I really miss his friendship. He is gonna pick us up tomorrow so he can be there for Maddie's big day. She's gonna be a kindergartener. Jeez the days go by. I just found a pic of her when she was two. I hope I don't cry when she goes. Time goes by too fast. Soon they will be moving out and going to college.