No one in my family has divorced. Well, one of my uncles did when I was really young. His marriage was in its infancy, and they divorced. He remarried and has been married for probably close to 20 years. I’ve heard stories about how it’s a loveless marriage, but they stay married because they are supposed to. “For their kids.” My parents are still together. My grandparents were all still together. When it comes to my own marriage, I feel like a complete failure… like I couldn’t make it work, and it was all my fault.
Letting my family down is one of the biggest reasons I haven’t left already. As miserable as I am, I don’t want to admit failure to my family.
Out of nowhere a couple days after the FB announcement, I get a text from an unknown number:
“Marisa told me that u n chris r no more- whats up with that? Any truth 2 that?”
First I thought it was one of our mutual friends. And then I was thinking maybe it was someone from FB who contacted her to get my number. But since I couldn’t figure it out, I texted back with the obligatory, “Who is this?”
“Opps, I guess u dint have my cell# last time I checked I was ur mother lol”
Oh my gawd. My mom knew about all of this shit? I don’t know why I didn’t think this would hit her. She’s not on Facebook, and doesn’t do a lot of computer stuff. So I was just hoping she’d be oblivious to all of my drama. But my sister couldn’t help herself.
I contemplated what to text back.
Now she was rushing me. She just wanted to know all of the juicy details as well. Probably so she could offer up a big huge plate of “I told you so.” (They stood me up when I got married and my dad told me months before that that I was ruining my life by getting married… even though they’d never met him before.)
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want her to have one more thing to hold above my head and mark down as to why I’m a complete failure and I’ve shamed my parents once again.
I texted her back and told her that I didn’t really know what was going on, and that he wasn’t the same man I married anymore, and I didn’t know if that man was coming back.
And I got nothing. No reply. Nothing.
I was fuming. All she wanted was to delve into my drama enough to confirm that yes, I was a fuck up, and then she didn’t even have the courtesy to reply with an “I’m sorry,” or an “I love you,” or anything. The whole thing pissed me off and I was reeling about it all freaking night. What kind of mom does that kind of shit?
My friend Jen told me to text her back a reply not to worry, that I knew how worried she was, and that her grandchildren will still be well taken care of and that I had everything under control. I really contemplated, but then I decided it seriously wasn’t worth my time.
The next day, I got a text from my mom saying that my dad came home, and had company with him, and she got busy, and then it was too late, so she figured she’d just text me the next day. I almost felt bad for being so pissed off the night before…
She wanted to know what the issues Christopher and I were having. Money? Kids? Something else? She seemed to be prying, and I really didn’t want to give her any details.
I told her he changed when Amy died. That he pushed everyone away. She asked me why he didn’t pull us in closer, in his time of need. I told her I didn’t know. She seemed worried about how the kids were taking it, I told her I smoothed it over with them and they’d be okay. She was worried about me being able to pay the rent, I told her that I had it figured out, and I’d be able to cover the rent. And then I got a text that completely BLEW ME AWAY.
“Oh well god I’m at a loss here I can’t do anything cept tell you I really am very sorry n i love u.”
I just stared at it for couple minutes. Reread it. And Reread it again. It seemed genuine (enough so that I locked it in my phone). I didn’t know what to say. Except for to cry. Just for a very brief moment, my mom seemed to genuinely care about my life.
And just like that… my phone started dying, and I was nowhere close to home. I felt like I was being robbed of this very important moment, but could do nothing about it. I texted her a thank you, and told her I loved her too, and that my phone was dying, and that it was nice to have her cell phone #, and I’d have to call her back.
And that was that.
The first thing I thought of was my grandma saying, “I wish I could see the day where you and your mother would get along.”
Is this the day she’d been waiting for all of my life?
UPDATE: BTW- for everyone worried if divorce is in the works, I’d have to say that’s a big negative for the time being. He’s back to his old self, we talked about it all and he quit his FB page. Said everyone takes it too seriously, and if he woulda wanted to divorce me, he wouldn’t have told me on FB. Said he was “just trying to make a point.” I made it very clear that humiliating me like that in public wouldn’t be something I’d soon forget. But for now, I guess he’s pretending like all of this garbage never happened. Gotta love it. *sigh